Said Harper: "The only reason the British Empire was ever called the British Empire, and not the Canadian, was Canadians, being nice and not wanting to hurt British sensitivities, didn't have the heart to tell them that Ottawa, and not London, was the seat of the great empire. Could you have imagined the whining? So we kept them in the dark. We are granting them independence now because they have become really intolerable whiners and there is no hope for their football team."
Asked if Canada would also grant Australia its independence, Harper said: "The recent elections in Australia show that they still practice voodoo there. Being a primitive people, they are not ready to administer their own state. So we have shelved that idea for another fifty years, at least. Furthermore, a Canadian Expat, who lives in Wuxi, China, and goes by the initials AKIC has told me that all the Australians he has seen there, except HM, are sad pathetic stuff and should not be allowed to graduate from pre-school.