Friday, September 3, 2010

AKIC's List of Notable Americans and why they seem to be notable

George Washington  Moved the capital of the Republic Westward, named it after himself, and established Christianity as the Republic's official religion.
William F Buckey  Founder of National Review and the bitter tasting cough syrup.

Abraham Lincoln  His attempts to establish the National capital in Nebraska and to establish Judaism as the official religion of the Republic came to naught.
Chuck Norris  Impregnated Raquel Welch who gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins -- still the only undefeated team in professional football history.
The Marx Brothers  Had nothing to do with Karl Marx.
Joseph McCarthy Got a bad name for pointing out that Communists were bad people with bad intentions.

Martin Luther King  His posting of the 95 theses on the front seat of a bus in Mobile, Alabama started the Protestant Reformation.
Bruce Lee  The greatest ever Chinese person was born in the good old US of A.
John A McDonald  Was Canada's first Prime Minister.
The Beatles  They completed the second stage of America's conquest of Britain when they arrived in Liverpool, via Germany, and started the Beatlemania craze.
Maurice Chevaliar  Is supposed to be only Frenchman in history to not have been an asshole.  Turns out, he lived in Hollywood and became civilized.
Fred Astaire  He gave up the throne of the English Empire in order to dance and sing in motion pictures.
Frank Sinatra  The only man to ever conquer the world without using an army or being a politician.
Bing Crosby  Believe it or not, but Crosby was a slim fellow with a decent voice, before his unfortunate decision to join the Byrds and later Crosby, Stills, and Nash.
Josephine Namath   The only woman to have ever quarterbacked a champion professional football team.
Bob Barker  Hosted the Hollywood Squares.
Charles Bronson  In these days of Obambi, we could really use a man like Chuck.
John Wayne  Invented manhood and heterosexuality -- perhaps America's single greatest contribution to world culture.

Thomas Edison  Invented DOS, Windows, and the Ipad.
Glen Gould  It is demeaning to say that this great classical musical pianist was merely a Canadian.  Shirley, he was American.

Charles Womanson  He and his gang of crazed teenaged hoodlums annoyed the citizens of Sheybogan by stepping on their Petunias.