Sunday, September 13, 2009

King Andrew the First's stunning abdication announcement stuns the Wuxi Expats, who aren't already stunned and know what the word abdication means.

King Andrew I Abdicates The Wuxi Expat Throne!
Yesterday, King Andrew the First stunned Wuxi Expats by announcing his abdication of the Throne of Wuxi Expatdom. A constitutional crisis had been brewing over the King's desire to return to Canada because of his romance with Canadian baloney, Canadian Lard, and Rowntree Chocolate, all of which are hard to obtain in Wuxi. At issue, constitutionally, was the Andrew's desire to keep the throne while living in Canada, and thus not being in Wuxi for more than one month during a calendar year as specified in a covenant he had made with the Church of Kowism. Andrew had sought to declare the covenant document null and void. But seeing the potential damage his decision could do to the Wuxi Expat community - a rendering asunder of the Wuxi Expatdom that would have been worse than the notorious Blue Bar - Aussie Bar split, King Andrew the First decided, after being convinced by the common sense of Pope Andis, to abdicate.
Pope Andis I to assume Wuxi Expatdom Throne
Yesterday, in a further stunning decision, King Andrew I selected Pope Andis I to be his successor on the Throne of Wuxi Expatdom. Wuxi Expatdom constitutional experts say that no succession method has even been thought of. The electoral college that had been established was solely to keep the King in power and prevent real Democratic challenges.
Wuxi Expat reaction to the Abdication
Here is some reaction of Wuxi Expats to Andrew the First's abdication:
  • I peed myself when I heard the news.
  • I think it is great that Andis made himself king.
  • I always thought Andrew I was gay. His decision to abdicate was very unmanly.
  • I choked on my chocolate when I heard the stunning news.
  • I am stunned. I tell you. I am stunned
  • I gagged on my jar of jam when I heard the news.
  • I am shocked. I tell you. I am shocked. I thought he would be our King forever.
  • I have no reason to live. Life, as we know it, is finished.
  • What is an abdication? Why does everyone have to use these big words I don't understand? Is it some kind of treatment for a rash in your lower extremities? I hope so because I need it. I think the new King comes from another planet.
  • I had to bail out on my bar girl when I heard the news.
  • I never knew we had a king. I didn't vote for him.
  • I don't know what to say. I am tongue-tied. I am at a lost for words. I am stunned, shocked, surprised and shamed into silence. The cat has got my tongue. Words escape me. I have a sort throat....
  • I wonder if he is going to sell his clothes dryer.
  • I want his DVD collection!
  • I will buy his book collection!
  • I resent him for taking Hans Island from Denmark. I am glad to see him go.
  • I wouldn't advocate abdication if I was him. Think of what happens if you get diarrhea.
King Andrew's Abdication Speech

At long last I am able to say a few words of my own. I have never wanted to withhold anything, but until now it has not been constitutionally possible for me to speak.

A few hours ago I discharged my last duty as King and Emperor of Wuxi Expatdom, and now that I have been succeeded by his honour and his most majestic wonderfulness, Pope Andis the First, my first words must be to declare my allegiance to him. This I do with all my heart.

You all know the reasons which have impelled me to renounce the throne. But I want you to understand that in making up my mind I did not forget Wuxi Expats, which, as Prince of Wuxi and lately as King, I have for eight years tried to serve.

But you must believe me when I tell you that I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and to discharge my duties as King as I would wish to do without being able to eat the baloney, bread, chocolate, and lard I love and have grown to miss in my years in Wuxi.

And I want you to know that the decision I have made has been mine and mine alone. This was a thing I had to judge entirely for myself. The baloney manufacturers of Canada and the McDonald's Corporation in Wuxi have tried up to the last to persuade me to take a different course.

I have made this, the most serious decision of my life, only upon the single thought of what would, in the end, be best for all.

This decision has been made less difficult to me by the sure knowledge Andis, my intellectual superior, with his long training in the public affairs of Wuxi and with his fine qualities, will be able to take my place forthwith without interruption or injury to the life and progress of Wuxi Expatdom. And he has one matchless blessing, enjoyed by a few of you, and not bestowed on me -- a sound mind and a Conservative temperament.

During these hard days I have been comforted by her majesty my wife, her family, and a bottle of muscatel. The pub owners of Wuxi, and in particular, Ronnie, the owner of Ronnie's Australian Pub, have always treated me with full consideration. There has never been any constitutional difference between me and them, and between me and Pope Andis the First. Taught the constitutional tradition by Andis , I should never have allowed any such issue to arise.

Ever since I was first a regular at Ronnie's, and later on when I occupied the throne, I have been treated with the greatest kindness by all classes of the people wherever I have lived or journeyed throughout the empire. For that I am very grateful.

I now quit altogether public affairs and I lay down my burden. It may be some time before I return to my second land, but I shall always follow the fortunes of Wuxi Expatdom with profound interest, and if at any time in the future I can be found of service to King Andis the First in a private station, I shall not fail.

And now, we all have a new King. I wish him and you, his people, happiness and prosperity with all my heart. God bless you all! God save the King!

Andrew the First
Pope Andis's First Speech as King of Wuxi Expatdom
I am here. I am you king. Get used to it. Worry not Wuxi Expats. That is, if you are a decent and humane person. However, to those of you who are not, you may well call me Andis the terrible and things far worse. But as they say, sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me.
Till now, Wuxi Expatdom has been a den of inquity full of vice and ill virtue. Its' motto has been was "Happens in Wuxi, stays in Wuxi."
That will be no more. For effective immediately, all perverts and addicts of any sort in the Wuxi Expat community will be shot. Of course, they can pay the necessary indulgences to yours truly to escape this fate.
That is all for now. You can visit my blog for more declarations about your duties to me and Wuxi Expatdom.
Oh! And before I forget, I salute the efforts of your previous King of Wuxi. Often misguided because of a flawed political outlook, he was, but we can thank the Gods that he didn't do so much damage.
God bless the ones of you that aren't dammed!
King and Pope and Emperor Andis I

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