The King of Wuxi held a surprising and dramatic news conference in downtown Wuxi today. He answered no questions. He made the following statement:
Thank you for coming. An enormous cloud has descended over Wuxi Expatdom for which my actions in a public bathroom at the House of Pancakes on Pembina Highway in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada are to blame. I don't understand how I missed. It is something I haven't done since I was drunk at Ronnie's in Wuxi, China. And when you consider that I have such a wide stance, a stance that is wider than the average WC, my aim is exceptionably good. However, I do regret my attempts to deny I had made the mess on the floor to the staff at the House of Pancakes. And of course I also regret the strong words I shouted at a female who saw my accident. The B Eye Itch was right to scream at me.
So now that we have closure, I suggest to all Wuxi Expats to look forward, don't look back and put this trivial incident behind us all.
I also wish to announce as a way of pre-empting future controversies that I am a heterosexual. I love my wife and my son in the way a good heterosexual father and husband should.
Again, I thank you for coming.
The King quickly ran to his car as onlookers shouted: "You fixed the election!" ; "You cast not a cloud but a big shadow over us all!" and "Democracy! Not Lard!"
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