Going to Suzhou, Are You Lonely? Why I Am Lonely, Lonely in Wuxi, Prayer, Tony Likes Baseball

• Most laoweis will tell you that that the best things to do during a public holiday in China are to either stay at one's Chinese residence or get out of the country. Going anywhere during that time is a pain in the ass because of the crowds. I would be staying at home too this National Day holiday but my wife Jenny, who is Chinese, feels a need to do something. So, we will be driving to Suzhou. I had first rejected this idea out of hand because I didn't much enjoy driving in Suzhou the one time we did drive there. There were too many cars and we weren't familiar with the roads. So seeming to accept my rejection of this Suzhou idea, Jenny then suggested that we go to Shanghai. I said I would go if we went by train. Jenny agreed to this idea and for half a day, I was thinking that that was what we would actually be doing. But for many reasons, this wasn't going to happen and Jenny told me would be driving to Suzhou, to some lake. I don't like the sound of this. Walking around lakes during holidays is a perennial Chinese thing to do and is something which I find to be a total waste of time. There are too many people and if you have walked around one Chinese lake park in Jiangsu, you have walked them all.

• I have read articles saying that a large proportion North Americans are lonely. It is sad and a condemnation of the modern world. But it is also an opportunity. I have to confess that I am one of these lonely people myself and I am happy to hear that I am not lonely when it comes to feeling lonely. If there are lonely people out there, I would like to correspond with them. Here is my email address: andiskaulins@hotmail.com. But here are some things you should know: I want to be Roman Catholic, I don't like the current Pope, I am a reactionary, I don't want to be a victim, I like reading, I like following US politics, I don't despise Trump, I despise Socialism, I despise moral relativists, I despise Progressivism, I like poetry, I like a good joke, I like a good meme, I don't know what racism is anymore, I am a proud subject of her majesty Queen Elizabeth II, I like Sinatra, I like Rock and Roll, I like Country Music, I like sports but not as much as I used to, I like watching movies and TV series, my u blogger is David Warren, and as far as I can tell, I have no marketable skills. If you are opposite to me if every way, however, it doesn't mean we can't be friends or exchange social emails. I will gladly talked to lonely people of good will. That is, people who don't feel the need to exile people who they think are engaged in wrong think. (Then again, maybe, that is why there are so many lonely people. Relationships have become so politicised by cultural marxism that mass loneliness is the result, like mass starvation results when marxists try to control the food supply.)

• Why am I lonely? It may well be my affliction. I have childhood memories of being very shy. I remember when I was in kindergarten that I didn't talk to any of my classmates for the first three months. I got over that and was able to make friends. But then these pangs of loneliness started during my adolescence. In 1976, my family moved from Quebec, where I had lived for five years, to Canadian Forces Base Shilo, Manitoba. I wasn't completely lonely in Shilo. I remember going out and meeting other kids on the base, but the seeds of my loneliness were sprouted there as my adolescence started. I had a cheesy moustache, developed bad acne and became very socially awkward. After a year in Shilo, my family moved to New Brunswick where I attended Junior High and I had no friends what so ever. I didn't hang out with anyone. I was desperately lonely. Anytime, I was in a situation that required partnering up, I was always the odd man out. It didn't help that my family then moved some more and I attended three different high schools. The loneliness lead to thoughts of suicide and minor acts of inflicting physical harm on myself. Attempts at friendship faltered because I had become full of resentment. I eventually sought psychological help and was prescribed medicine for depression. That didn't help. But I did have some things going for me. I avoided a lot of stupid things by being lonely. I didn't get involved in drugs. I didn't become promiscuous. I avoided the company of many fools. I read a lot. I could take an outsider's view of things. I could be "aloof." I could explore things that were not part of the main stream. I realized that my visits to the psychs was just my wanting to be a victim. I realized that most of my loneliness was a really solitude, and that solitude had many benefits. For in my solitary moments, I believe I had a guardian angel with me and comforting me all along. I resigned myself to the fact that I was just always going to be an outsider and that I might as well look at this state as being sort of an adventure. But be that as it may, I am still lonely but am self-aware enough to see it as an affliction that I must deal with best I can. I have to fight resentments and feelings of inferiority because it is hard to bring up how lonely I have been in my life.

• So here I am now in Wuxi, China. I am married and I have a son. I don't have any friends. I can never be friends with Chinese for I find them dull company and my Chinese study has never involved talking to them. I do find this loneliness comfortable however because it is a sort of me being a fly on the wall, watching something I could never be part of, even if I wanted to. It is when I am with my own kind, laoweis, that I really feel that something is out of whack and I become aware of the stark reality of my adolescence loneliness having damaged me. I find I either can't talk to these people or that I talk to them too much like a muttering idiot. I console myself on this score by thinking of myself as being a reactionary stuck with moderns. But I am at least a good enough reactionary to realize that there are things I am doing wrongly or selfishly or out or a stupid self-conceit.

• I pray everyday. I talk to God. I need to talk to people.

• Tony has taken to baseball and told me that he wants to play the sport. When I took him to the major league baseball game in Minneapolis, he complained of the pace of the game and said it bored him. But it didn't stop him from playing a computer version of major league baseball on my phone. That hooked him into the sport. His favourite team is the Houston Astros (who are from the same city as his favourite NBA team).