Hospital Notes #2

Will the experience of having been in the hospital change me in a meaningful way?  I suppose it goes without saying that I hope so.  

I hope the changes are for the better; that I can be humble, considerate, gentle, patient, thankful, self aware, courageous, less given to cries of resentment, more able to take what life gives me in stride, be able to use the hospital time as a way of sanctifying myself in the eyes of God.  

I don’t want to be bitter or jealous about what happened.  Others were having a great holiday while I was stuck in the hospital and I could lament it; but it would be very selfish of me to expect the world to go into mourning because I was indisposed and couldn’t enjoy my holiday.  Life has to go on even if people are sick or in the hospital.

I have a lot to be grateful for by the mere fact that I was in the hospital.  What happened to me could have killed me if I didn’t get the proper medical attention.  Thank God I had insurance.  I was tended to by a lot of nurses and doctors, and my wife and son.

Jenny & Tony give me many reasons to be grateful.  My wife Jenny was stellar during my ordeal.  In fact in some ways, it was more of an ordeal for her than me.  My son has hopefully matured by the experience.

I have realized that I am very lucky given my selfish, isolated ways.  How I got Jenny to want to marry me, and then put up with me is an inexplicable miracle, for as a figure in this world, I am nothing.  I am an ineffectual waif.  I perhaps have become more religious and a Jesus freak because I am a loser in this world.  So be it.  I don’t need to put on airs.  I don’t need to always be marketing myself.

The needles, the pain, the having to endure will perhaps make me more courageous.  However, there are two types of courage for me to work to improve.  One is the courage of dealing with physical pain; the other is the courage of being able to express dissident opinion.  The former surely improved with this hospital experience.  Although the pain of passing gas was hard to deal with. The latter strangely is one that most scares me.  Sometimes, you have to question bullshit openly and not be silent.

So can I realistically expect change?  So often I have had moments that i thought i was a new Andis who would give up his past bad habits.  But sure as shit it didn’t happen