6:43 AM View

 Saturday morning.  I overslept and didn’t wake up till the 6:00 AM alarm sounded.  First thing I did was extend my Duolingo language learning streak.

Plan for today.  I’ll go for a walk this morning toward the interchange.  Maybe I’ll take photos, take video, jot down my impressions.

Negative thoughts as I wasn’t able to sleep last night. I don’t have many or any friends in this world.  Fact.  

Is this lack because there aren’t many for me to have?  What I mean to ask is if the way I am constituted is what keeps me alone.  That is, the type of person I could be brothers with is rare or non-existent.  Am I too weird or too eccentric?  Am I really born at the wrong time and living in the wrong places?  Am not to blame for my being solo?  

Or am I to blame?  I heard many years ago, I was thought of as cold.  I never intended to be that way — if I am that way — but frustration in dealing with people and cliques could have made me so.  And somewhere along the line, my aloneness made it hard to deal with people.  I had this feeling in dealing with people that my previous experiences in life, such as my aloneness, my lack of seemingly ordinary experiences of being with people was a barrier to dealing with them in the present.  A specific example:  my experiences of May Long Webrkends in Canada.  For me, it meant having nothing to do and nowhere to be.  It is a hard thing to disclose when you meet people who talked about doing the spring break thing in Florida.  That sort of thing is so removed from my experiences that I can only feel envy or shame when thinking of my actual experience of never having any friends at holiday times.

And when I go to gatherings, I’ve noticed lately that I can’t seem able to converse comfortably with people.  What to talk about is a problem.  I avoid gossip because I suspect it comes back to me.  I avoid boring people as well as I avoid trying to bore them.  Maybe I have so little in common with them…

Anyway, I’m ranting.  Should I even publish this?  Why the hell not?  No one is reading this anyway.  And if someone is, they won’t make comments anyway.

Can I get out of my predicament?  It may be too late.  Embrace Catholicism and pray a lot.